Four

Last evening, despite my best intentions of going to bed early in order to prepare for the coming week, I found myself up late watching a special edition of Nightline on Jaycee Dugard and her courageous story. As I sat and watched, I reflected on a situation I have been going through recently in my life that is similar in nature. I am in no way saying I've been through anything like Jaycee -- instead, I'm saying her story has given me courage to tell my story.

I recognize that by sharing my story, I'm "putting myself out there" and opening up a vulnerable part of my life, a part I have tried so desperately to keep hidden. However, one part of the program last night really struck a chord with me. Diane Sawyer asked Jaycee why she was willing to share her story when it was such a difficult and no doubt painful situation. Jaycee's response: "Why not look at it? Stare it down until it can't scare you anymore." After hearing her say that, I figure that if she can tell her story, so can I. She also talked about how survival through a difficult situation should give us strength, not shame. While, again, my situation is different than Jaycee's, the premise is similar and so I'm going to take Jaycee's advice of "staring it down" until it gives me strength. That said, here is my writing entitled Four.

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Four.

The number of letters in the words which define my life.

Not too long ago, the four-letter word that described my life was one that shouldn't have to be included in our language, but unfortunately is -- RAPE.

Along with that word, a slew of other four-letter words began shadowing everything around me -- HATE, FEAR, RAGE, PAIN, HELL. I found myself in a situation where no human being, man or woman, should ever have to find themselves. I had been victimized in a way that was simply indescribable. As one who so desires to maintain control and order, my physical and emotional foundations had been shattered. Nothing about this experience was logical. I was upset at my attacker for attacking me; I was upset at myself for letting the attack happen; I was upset at everything around me. I felt emotions I didn't know how to cope with. My life had gone from seemingly fine to entirely overturned in a matter of a few hours. I simply didn't know what to do.

In our society, rape is a four-letter word that is not often used. Whether it isn't used because of ignorance around the topic, or because of the uncomfortable nature of the subject, it can not be ignored. It is estimated that one in four women and one in thirty-three men will be raped in their lifetime. Unfortunately, more than 60% of these assaults are never reported to police. The chances that someone you know has gone through this terrible ordeal are high. Every 2 minutes, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted, which equates to more than 250,000 victims every year...that we know of.

We need to be informed on this issue. Gone are the days of Mayberry and unlocked doors. Men and women alike must be aware of the dangers of rape and how to deal with this situation, whether it be experienced in the first person or the third. We must abandon the unspoken and yet widely-accepted notion that rape is the victim's fault. Rape is NEVER the victim's fault. Our society has fallen into the unfortunate habit of subconsciously (or even consciously) blaming the ones who deserve only credit for their courage and strength. Regardless of what occurred before the attack or what occurs after, no means no and the victim is NEVER for us to blame.

In every situation, it is near impossible to anticipate exactly what our reaction would be; to assume we would have acted differently in a situation than someone who was assaulted undermines the courage of a rape victim in simply making it through the attack alive and mitigates the power of the human spirit. Often, courage is not manifest in performing large and heroic acts, but by simply being willing to wake up in the morning and live another day. Victims of rape, when dealing with this situation, need and deserve support and encouragement, not blame and judgment.

After the attack, I blamed myself.

"If only I hadn't been there right at that moment..."
"If only I had yelled louder or fought harder..."
"If only I hadn't been by myself..."
"If only I hadn't been wearing that outfit..."

Whatever the reason, I felt the blame was mine. In blaming myself, I took responsibility for the situation, and by doing this, I could make sure that I never allowed this to happen again. Well, as it turns out, I didn't allow it to happen in the first place. In our society, it seems the reason we are so quick to blame the victim is so we can assure ourselves that we would never do such things and thus this would never happen to us. Not the case. Rape happens everywhere, all the time, and while it is important to protect yourself, it is unfair and unreasonable to think it only happens to people who "deserve it" or were "asking for it" or who allow it to happen.

I initially came face to face with these societal injustices when meeting with the Victims' Advocate assigned to my case. After reviewing the details of my attack, she proceeded to tell me I had "put myself in a bad situation" and that I hadn't "protected myself enough." She asked me what I had been wearing, what I had said, what I had done...all questions I myself had thought about a million times before and considered how I would have changed things to prevent the assault. In keeping with the unfortunate societal habit of victim-blaming, she expressed to me that this could have been prevented if I had done things differently, conveying the notion that I "shouldn't have put myself" there and "that's just how men are."

I further came face to face with this flawed line of thinking when I testifed against my attacker in court. I was told again by the defendant's attorney that responsibility for the assault rested entirely on my shoulders and I shouldn't have allowed this to happen. I was effectively "re-attacked" on the stand and criticized for the situation. The defense attorney provided his client with no accountability and instead afforded him the excuse that men have no control over their sexual appetites and women should essentially expect this to happen if they have any sort of physical interaction with men.

Because some of the very people designated to assist rape victims and be involved in the justice process hold the erroneous and jaded societal belief that rape is the victim's fault, it is imperative that each of us understands the subject more fully to prevent these damaging inclinations from occurring. While we may not be able to change society as a whole, changing our individual opinions and understanding is a positive step forward in dealing with this destructive epidemic.

In our lives, each of us has the God-given right to be able to think and make decisions for ourselves. A person has the right to say what happens to his or her body, and it is the right of no one to force us to do something sexually that we do not want to do. Instead of blaming the victim and believing it was his or her choices that led to the attack, we must see the situation for what it is and understand that the assault was the choice of the perpetrator alone. The only sure-fire way to ever prevent rape is to make the choice NOT to rape someone. Rape does not occur because some people are "asking for it" or "deserve it" or because "that's just how men are." Rape occurs because of the malevolent choices of certain people. In using these justifications, we are not only blaming the victim, but diminishing the ability of all other people to make proper decisions. Men particularly are better than that; not all men make the choice to rape, so it stands to reason that rape does not occur because "that's just how men are." Using this reasoning debases men to nothing but animals and belittles their ability to think for themselves. Again, regardless of what happened before an attack or even what happens after, no means no and the victim should never be blamed.

As time has gone on, through the help of family and friends, I have begun to HEAL, one of the positive four-letter words which I feel defines my life now. No longer need I be shadowed by that which overcame me two years ago. I am not a victim of rape -- I am a survivor. He may have had one night, but I have the rest of my life.

In each of us, there is a strength we do not even know exists until we are called upon to summon it. Oftentimes, we do not give ourselves enough credit to be able to handle that which life throws at us. We can. Tragedy, death, illness, and heartache may occur, but there is nothing stronger than the human spirit. Yours. Mine. We are greater than we realize. When everything in this world tries to bring us down, we must be willing to accept our own intrinsic worth and rise up to our potential. Fear, helplessness, desperation, and discouragement are strong emotions, but so are happiness, confidence, optimism, and peace. It is in our most trying times that we begin to learn and appreciate who we really are and who we have the ability to become. Amidst the austere darkness of this situation, I was able to discover that within myself, there lay an invinicible light.

Which four-letter words describe my life now?

GOOD.

LOVE.

MINE.

HOPE.

~Tiff T.